


Thought I Was More Than The Afterlife

by LawtherJung



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt Steve Rogers, I'm Bad At Tagging, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Protective Steve, i dont want it to end that way, inspired by a song, it's kinda a HE tho, loosely based on the after-credit of CACW
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-06 04:29:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6738277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LawtherJung/pseuds/LawtherJung
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Listen, what I talked about earlier, I really wanted to…”<br/>“Why, Buck? I don’t understand.”<br/>“You do, for sure. In fact you understand me better than anyone else.”<br/>“Say all you want but I’m sure as hell about not letting you get frozen again.”<br/>.<br/>Tens of thousands of scenarios flashed like lightning across his mind and Steve dreaded them all for the only thing he could feel in the bones was a foreseeable future without Bucky. For a fleeting moment, a voice in his head said that if they had run out of choices, he would get frozen with his best friend. It sounded fucked up really, but he was no longer able to measure how fucked up things would be after the fight with Tony.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thought I Was More Than The Afterlife

**Author's Note:**

> As you could see from the tags, my work is based on the Civil War's after-credit where Bucky decided to get frozen (again). A Stucky trash I am, I went home feeling rather disappointed that we could not see much of their interaction involving that scene, hence this fic ;) And remember to pretend the St*ron kiss did not happen, not here ;)  
> Shout out to thegirl_gcat for beta-ing it. Btw, English is not my first language so though beta-ed, there may still be mistakes here and there, please feel free to comment so that I can know.  
> .  
> The fic's title comes from the song "Afterlife", beautifully sung by Greyson Chance. The lyrics fit Stucky's situation so well that I literally cried. I will really appreciate it if you guys can listen to this song while reading. That will immensely help you understand Steve's perspectives which I'm trying to convey  
> link to the official lyric video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeBCWg6ZYKY

 

Steve panicked. Panicked for real. He paced around the room, fingers rubbing the bridge of his nose, as if it would help him somehow digest what Bucky had just said.

“No, you did not mean that.”

“Ste…”

“Goddammit! Not an ounce of that!”, Steve did not mean to yell, almost ferociously. Not to Bucky. Not to him after everything they had gone through, after all those grave risks they had to take to protect each other.

Breathing out an exasperated sigh, Steve stepped out to the balcony, eyes staring into the nothingness hung in New York’s atmosphere, his so-called home since waking up to the 21st century. New York, the never-sleeping city with thousand and million beams of light, always created a beautiful sky of its own whenever the night falls. More than often, Steve would stay up late, hands covered with pencil graphite and mind immersed in capturing each fine line of the city, he then retreated to his world of peacefulness after a day saving the world and hailed as the nation’s treasure. Yet New York’s skyline of gleaming skyscrapers now appeared through his blurred view as of unknown shapes. Steve put up his hands and quickly wiped away the salty liquid off his face. He knew this was the moment of truth, after all the disruption and disagreement, after a short-lived bliss and a contemporary compromise.

He noticed Bucky had come out standing next to him. It had been more than a week but Steve’s heart shattered all the same every time he looked at the place that should have been his best friend’s left arm, whether in the flesh or in the metal form Hydra made. Bucky smiled, the ever enigmatic and humorless smile, his hand gently covered the empty left sleeve.

“Don’t.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

The two men shared a companionable silence and the good five minutes felt like eternity. Bucky was the one to break it, he did not look straight at Steve, his words almost a whisper.

“Listen, what I talked about earlier, I really wanted to…”

“Why, Buck? I don’t understand.”

“You do, for sure. In fact you understand me better than anyone else.”

“Say all you want but I’m sure as hell about not letting you get frozen again.”

Though his body had gone numb for long, Steve honestly hoped that Bucky would feel the sternness in his statement alone. He could be tender and fight against this whole damned world to protect what held half of his soul. The previous civil war pretty much spoke on Steve’s behalf already. But not now. He could not bring himself to grant Bucky’s wish in the way he always did, especially when this laid-back attitude may cost him everything. He would have to deal with the devils. Tens of thousands of scenarios flashed like lightning across his mind and Steve dreaded them all for the only thing he could feel in the bones was a foreseeable future without Bucky. For a fleeting moment, a voice in his head said that if they had run out of choices, he would get frozen with his best friend. It sounded fucked up really, but he was no longer able to measure how fucked up things would be after the fight with Tony.

“ … But if you insist on doing it, let’s do it together. Except for you, I have nothing more to lose anyway.”, an idiot Steve was, he spoke his mind right then.

“No you don’t.”, Bucky gave his hand a slight squeeze as a sense of offering comfort.

“Please stop telling me what I have and what I do not, Buck!”, Steve automatically placed his left hand atop Bucky’s, despite his emotional outburst, it had long become Steve’s reflex to lean into his touch.

Bucky, for once, looked directly at Steve and it was sadness painted over his face, sadder than everything Steve had ever sketched. The mellow lights of New York City seemingly did all they could to highlight Bucky’s now clean-shaven face, the nightly chilly gust of wind came blowing through his dark hair strands. This mere beautifully melancholic sight almost drove Steve to the verge of bursting into tears.

“I’ve been wrong and wronged my whole life, but I’m never so surer about this one thing, Steve. You still have your friends, Tony, Nat, Clint, Sam, Wanda,… everyone who has been beside you through thick and thin. The world needs you, I can’t be that selfish asshole dragging you to the mud with me…”

“The world can go fuck itself!”, Steve spat, “I need you, Buck. I’ve lost you onc… twice and I won’t ever forgive myself if I let you go again. Don’t you see I fought for you, for us? Had I not made it clear how much you mean to me? Because if that’s the case, I swear I can do better. Please… do not leave me alone…”

Steve knew he looked as pathetic as a 16-year-old scrawny kid who was trying to save the losing battle. He knew the hurricane that was about to come but couldn’t help standing in its eye storm.

Bucky hopelessly buried the face between his hands, his voice sounded like a mumble.

“I’m a sinner and you can’t convince me otherwise, no matter how hard you try and how much I’d love to believe your lies. But I hate waking up in the middle of night remembering every bit about the way I assassinated innocent people and to think that thanks to my best guy, a criminal like me still lives a life he doesn’t at all deserve. I don’t know what’s left of me. Just a few lines of code and I will turn into an emotionless beast in a heartbeat. And what frightens me most is that I almost killed you…”

“For the love of God, Bucky, you are not a criminal! That’s how I would call those monstrous bastards who brainwashed and turned you into a killing machine! And in case you missed out on things, it was the Winter Soldier I fought with, not Bucky Barnes!”

Steve was legit shouting now but he could hold back no more. All presidents and governors and politicians and citizens had been demanding that Bucky be held responsible for his acts as the Winter Soldier, reasoning that he was a great menace to the society. Of course they were taking things at face value since they did not have time or compassion to figure out exactly what state of mind Bucky was in while executing his missions. The cold-blooded Winter Soldier had stolen the spotlight of Bucky-the-WWII-hero and Steve felt bitter all over.

It seemed like Bucky could not think of any comebacks directed at Steve. Instead, he stared at the night sky, where all constellations were outshone by the intense city lights. Remembering was only the new form of suffering.

“I gotta do it, Stevie.”

Steve slowly turned and gazed at him. In all honestly, Bucky looked like he had found a paradise of his own, unearthly but splendid nevertheless, as if the whole world was lifted off his chest. Bucky closed his eyes, revelling in the crisp night air, so of course he missed the moment Steve shed his burning tears. Steve was pretty certain that he could do nothing to persuade Bucky to change his mind now but for the sake of his sinking heart, he needed to let it all out.

“You remember back then when you were shipped to England, Buck? Tease me all you want but I could not sleep that night. I thought: what if he didn’t come back? What if he were imprisoned? What if he got shot? What would my life become of?...”, Steve’s voice thickened with emotions, tears stung his eyes but he was helpless, “I did consider a life without you, and nothing could ever cause me more pain than that.”

After what felt like forever, Bucky stepped into Steve’s personal space and placed head on Steve’s left shoulder, muttering into his white sleeveless top. Steve could feel a smile on Bucky’s face.

“So did I. Spent sleepless nights wondering if your punk ass was gonna cause any more trouble now that I’d gone, probably saving a damsel in distress, most certainly helping all the elderly in the neighbourhood, and oh, don’t even get me started on what that goddamned pneumonia could do to your lungs, but I was sure you would act all unnecessarily stubborn and refuse to take the meds… You always worry the hell out of me, Stevie.”

“Guess we’re even then, jerk.”

“We sure are, punk.”

No. Steve didn’t like where this conversation was going to. The more reminiscent things became, the harder it would be for him to accept Bucky’s choice and move on.

“I thought I was more than your afterlife… I thought… I thought… ”

Steve was overwhelmed with feelings, he turned his whole body and pulled Bucky into a tight embrace. He wetted Bucky’s worn-out shirt with his uncontrollable tears but neither of them cared. And he cried. And he cried. Peggy had gone and he was about to lose Bucky too. It was all so much for Steve to take in. It killed him to understand Bucky’s perfectly impeccable logic. Putting his right arm over Steve’s shoulders, Bucky sniffled as holding back the tears.

“I thought we could be together… after everything, Buck… after everything… I did everything for us…”

“There’s no afterlife, Stevie. I’ve had one life with you all along and you’ve existed in my life since forever. But if there were such thing, believe me, pal, I would not, in a million lives, choose it over you.”

Bucky said it like he was stating the fact that water consists of oxygen and hydrogen. Simple and plain. Natural and logical. There was not a single sign of wavering in his voice.

“The future is yours if you choose and mine won’t exist without you… I want you to know that, whether you still decide to do it or not…”, one of Steve’s hands affectionately stroked Bucky’s head.

“N…”

“You don’t get to decide on my feelings though, by saying that I still have a bright future with other friends and all that. I mean everything I said and I would not take it back on the worst day, Buck.”

Bucky let out an amused laugh, loosening the hug to look at Steve’s baby blue eyes.

“You know that you are unbelievable, don’t you, Rogers?”

“I’m gonna take it as a compliment considering that we’re all on this.”

Laughing heartily and silence fell on them. After an intent gaze, Steve closed the distance between the two with a kiss - chaste, soft, loving and speaking a trillion words he had never been able to put into a coherent speech. Steve tightened the embrace and realized he wanted nothing more than making Bucky feel loved and treasured, chasing away all the doubts and guilt which were eating him alive. It dawned on Steve that the war one week ago was not, by a long shot, the greatest length he would be willing to walk to protect Bucky.

Bucky was the one to pull out first and God Almighty may help Steve describe how stunning his sweet smile looked. It suddenly hit Steve hard that he would not see this for a long time.

“Figured I could sleep soundly with this kiss then.”

“Stop saying such things, or else I wouldn’t let you go…”, Steve said as he stole another quick kiss.

New York never slept but Steve’s world was breathing in and out contentedly in his arms right now and nothing else ever mattered any more.

…….

…….

…….

…….

…….

Bucky was done with the physical examination before getting into the machine. He now sat on the table with Steve, their hands intertwined and eyes locked. Steve desperately wished the clock would stop ticking. It was time, just minutes before the process.

“I guess this is the end of the line then, Stevie…”, Bucky spoke in an almost inaudible whisper.

“No it’s not.”, his reply was short and resolute, “Not until we both reach it. I will stand right here, waiting till you’re ready to face the world with me. It’s messed up, we all know, but you will sleep, darling, and I will do my utter best to make it an infinitely better place for you, no judgement, no hatred, no blaming whatsoever. We can make it through. When you wake up, we’ll build a family, adopt kids and get a dog, or a cat, or both and more if you want. You and I are all broken, you and I may not be able to go back and make some details pretty but we can certainly move forward and make the whole beautiful. Please trust me and stay strong, will you?”

There were tears streaming down Bucky’s face but he did not even bother to wipe them, he chose to hug his Stevie and placed a kiss on his lips instead because that was always what he lived for.

“Yes yes yes… I will, we will, we certainly can…”

.

At that moment, neither of them were superheroes or soldiers for that matter, neither of them were heroically trying to save the world for everyone’s sake, they were just trying to save themselves from misery and fight for their very own happiness. Steve’s good. Bucky’s good. And together they can be selfish for once.


End file.
